David Weaks

The words titling this article, "I'm sorry" are some of the most wholesome, healing words in human speech, yet some people choke on them like poison. Being filled with pride, their words of apology, when offered, are forced out with anger, bitterness, and self-justification. This ought not be the case (Jas. 3:10-12).

The Bible says much about the importance of apologies.  Jesus taught that reconciliation between brethren is essential to worship (Mt. 5:23-24).  An offender should apologize, and the offended party should forgive when a genuine apology is received, even to seventy-times seven (Lk. 17:3-4; Mt. 18:15-17).  Brethren need to handle their differences directly and seek input from wise brethren rather than to air their anger publicly (1 Cor. 6:1-8).  Saints should bear with one another and forgive one another.  Complaints should be met with sincere apologies and then restoration must follow (Col. 3:13).  Brethren must forgive one another as Christ forgave us (Eph. 4:32).  All of these exhortations require humility and sincere apologies when we are guilty of wrong-doing.

The words, "I'm sorry" are precious sentiments which should flow naturally from a broken and contrite spirit (Prov. 51:17). Pride should have no part in generating an apology. You cannot repair the harm you caused by using an apology as a bludgeoning tool to backhandedly accuse your victim of causing your downfall. "If I have done anything wrong, I'm sorry" is not an apology at all. These pathetic words really say: "You are the one with the problem, not me!" Such a person does not really believe he has done anything wrong. His confession is hypocrisy at its worst.

An apology has no power without the following prerequisites.

An apology requires genuine sorrow.  This should be self-evident.  Paul said "godly sorrow works repentance" (2 Cor. 7:9-10).  A child of God must have a tender, pliable heart which grieves when he has wronged another person. The Bible's teachings about selfless-ness suggest that one's first thought, in cases of offense, should be about harm he has done to others.  Paul said, "Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others" (Phil. 2:4). Sadly, some people are so myopic that they can only think of them-selves.  The plight of others, even those they've hurt is irrelevant to them.

David was sorry when Nathan the prophet said, "Thou art the man!" (2 Sam. 12:12-13).  In Psalm 51, David expressed the depth of his sorrow when he said, "Against You, You only, have I sinned, and done this evil in your sight,…" (vs. 4).  David knew that he had sinned against Bathsheba and Uriah, but he had also sinned against God in the process.  He was the criminal in that whole affair and he knew it.  Once he was confronted by Nathan, David could not rest until he had confessed his sin. It was always before him (vs. 3).  That moment in time informs us what an apology really is.  David should have done it a year sooner, but when his heart was contrite, he held back nothing in his apology:  "I have sinned against the Lord" (2 Sam. 12:13).

Unfortunately, there are too few people like David. Self-pitying people see themselves as perpetual victims and they scorn anyone for being wounded by their actions.  They do not believe they owe anyone an apology. People are just too judgmental, in their estimation (Mt. 7:1), and should just accept mistreatment as the cost of a relationship with the angry, bitter man.

An apology requires one to accept responsibility.  David did not complain to Nathan that Bathsheba was to blame.  He didn't say, "Well, Nathan, what was I supposed to do?  The woman was bathing naked, and in plain view."  David's guilt or innocence did not rest on Bathsheba's conduct.  He was required to avert his eyes rather than to gaze lustfully at her and then call her to his bed (Job 31:1; Mt. 5:28).  There is never any justification for sin, and no man's circumstances permit him to abuse other people.

An apology requires a desire to repair damage done. The one owing an apology has damaged another person, and his apology must reflect his desire to repair the damage he has done. The prodigal son realized how much harm he had caused his father.  His words were full of remorse when he said, "I am no longer worthy to be called your son.  Make me like one of your hired servants" (Lk. 15:19, 21).  A genuine apology is an acceptance and acknowledgment of guilt. Any effort to justify or explain oneself nullifies his apologetic words.

An apology requires compassion.  A child of God must feel compassion toward others.  We are to "be of one mind, having compassion for one another, love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous" (1 Pet. 3:8).  Brotherly kindness ought to characterize the relationship of Christians one for another (2 Pet. 1:7).

What is missing when one offers an insincere or hypocritical apology is empathy.  In such a  case the offender believes he is the offended party.  His bitter feelings and words are a natural response of his angry heart.

The words of a belligerent person can bludgeon like a hammer. Jesus warned us about anger without cause, saying it leads to words which destroy others (Mt. 7:1-6).  Saying "thou fool" and "raca" is a direct assault on the integrity, intelligence, and character of another person, and those words come from unjustified anger.  One who is so angry that he looks at others with contempt cannot, in that state of agitation, offer a profound and genuine apology.

A genuine apology requires selflessness.  A genuine apology is one of the most humbling things a human can offer to another person.  It is one of those moments when one truly esteems others better than himself (Phil. 2:3).  Having done wrong wracks the conscience of a child of God, as it should.  One who truly has the mind of Christ will not rest until he has restored what he owes to the offended person.  There is no room for pride and thought of one's own discomfort when an apology is due.

An apology requires a humble spirit.  Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall (Prov. 16:18).  Yet, pride is something that seem to find its way into the heart of every person sooner or later.  The instinct to protect or justify oneself is strong in most people, and it must be fought against.  Humans find it very hard to be anywhere but in the best possible light in the eyes of others.  Humility is a hard pill to swallow, but Solomon said: "Better to be of a humble spirit with the lowly, than to divide the spoil with the proud" (vs. 19).

An apology requires one to desire righteousness more than approval.  A child of God wants nothing more than to be right in the sight of the Lord.  Ironically, sometimes that comes at the cost of the estimation of our companions.  Pride forces one to "save face," but humility demands one truly be the light and walk in it by admitting wrong (Mt. 5:13-14; 1 Jn. 1:5-7).  Contrary to human instinct, a sincere apology tends to raise one's currency in the eyes of others.  People see it for what it is, a real effort to correct a wrong.

An apology and vengeance do not belong together.  What is it that compels one to neglect an apology when it is needed, or to offer a half-hearted one?  The answer is very simple:  the one who owes the apology is angry and feels he is the wronged party. His apology tends to reflect his hurt feelings:  "If I have done wrong,…"  Why would any honest man worry about his own feelings when he has damaged someone else by his words or actions?  He does not deserve vengeance, and has no right to seek it with bitter and angry invective.  Vengeance belongs to the Lord, not to men (Rom. 12:19).

Conclusion:

A preacher I know once said he had a terrible shortcoming:  "I won't apologize when I am wrong, ever.  I just can't admit I'm wrong.  It is just how I am wired.  People who know me, including my family have had to learn to accept this about me."  He said that he could not even apologize to his wife or kids.  He admitted that it might cost him his soul some day, and to this I would have to agree.  What a shame that someone whose life was spent preaching righteousness should be so self-absorbed that he would be willing to risk losing eternal life rather than to utter the humble words, "I'm sorry."