It seems so innocent. A couple lying in bed, checking emails, scrolling Instagram or news articles, catching up on Duolingo or TikTok — and slowly disintegrating their marriage. But when they’re on their phone they don’t think they’re harming anyone, and certainly they’re not abandoning anyone. They’re just winding down, doing a little bit of work, and turning their brains off after a long day of meetings, deadlines, helping kids with homework, and ball games.

Baya Voce, writing in After Babel, asks what you might think if you meet a couple, and they tell you, casually, that every night a third person joins them in bed. Someone who interrupts eye contact, pulls attention away when you’re in the middle of talking, rewards withdrawal with novelty, and trains you to leave whenever intimacy starts to feel demanding. Would you think that’s healthy?

This serious issue happens every day to couples around the world. Those vital minutes that can be spent connecting, laughing, planning for the future, and yes, even being intimate, are squandered because of an electronic device.

Relationship psychologist John Gottman published a study finding that couple who responded to each other’s “bid for connection” (small, everyday attempts to engage) stayed together 86% of the time. Couples who divorced responded to each other only about 33% of the time. How we treat fleeting and mundane moments in our lives makes a big difference in the health or collapse of a relationship. What object do you possess that can block “bids for connection”? A phone.

When one person in a relationship is always on their phone, it makes the other feel like they don’t want to talk to them. Ms. Voce wrote, “Attention infidelity is harder to identify because it’s socially sanctioned and functionally invisible. It doesn’t look like “choosing someone else”; it’s “checking something,” “unwinding,” “being informed,” “responding quickly for work.” It looks like “I’m listening, keep talking.” But many people feel they don’t have access to their spouses, or that they don’t care.

Paul admonishes, “So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies;… For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church” (Ephesians 5:28-29). Wives are told to “respect” their husbands in v. 33. Ignoring one another is not a sign of nourishment and respect. For the health of your marriage, when your spouse wants real connection, put your phone down and relate with them in a meaningful way.

Adatped From Baya Voce